If

By Lord Dunsany

[Dunsany, Edward John Moreton Drax Plunkett, Baron]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

         JOHN BEAL
         MARY BEAL
         LIZA
         ALI
         BERT, BILL: two railway porters
         THE MAN IN THE CORNER
         MIRALDA CLEMENT
         HAFIZ EL ALCOLAHN
         DAOUD
         ARCHIE BEAL
         BAZZALOL, THOOTHOOBABA: two Nubian door-keepers
         BEN HUSSEIN, Lord of the Pass
         ZABNOOL, SHABEESH: two conjurers
         OMAR, a singer
         ZAGBOOLA, mother of Hafiz
         THE SHEIK OF THE BISHAREENS

         Notables, soldiers, Bishareens, dancers, etc.
    

Contents

IF

ACT I

SCENE 1

A small railway station near London. Time: Ten years ago.

BERT

'Ow goes it, Bill?

BILL

Goes it? 'Ow d'yer think it goes?

BERT

I don't know, Bill. 'Ow is it?

BILL

Bloody.

BERT

Why? What's wrong?

BILL

Wrong? Nothing ain't wrong.

BERT

What's up then?

BILL

Nothing ain't right.

BERT

Why, wot's the worry?

BILL

Wot's the worry? They don't give you better wages nor a dog, and then they
thinks they can talk at yer and talk at yer, and say wot they likes, like.

BERT

Why? You been on the carpet, Bill?

BILL

Ain't I! Proper.

BERT

Why, wot about, Bill?

BILL

Wot about? I'll tell yer. Just coz I let a lidy get into a train. That's
wot about. Said I ought to 'av stopped 'er. Thought the train was moving.
Thought it was dangerous. Thought I tried to murder 'er, I suppose.

BERT

Wot? The other day?

BILL

Yes.

BERT

Tuesday?

BILL

Yes.

BERT

Why. The one that dropped her bag?

BILL

Yes. Drops 'er bag. Writes to the company. They writes back she shouldn't
'av got in. She writes back she should. Then they gets on to me. Any more
of it and I'll...

BERT

I wouldn't, Bill; don't you.

BILL

I will.

BERT

Don't you, Bill. You've got your family to consider.

BILL

Well, anyway, I won't let any more of them passengers go jumping into
trains any more, not when they're moving, I won't. When the train gets in,
doors shut. That's the rule. And they'll 'ave to abide by it.

BERT

Well, I wouldn't stop one, not if...

BILL

I don't care. They ain't going to 'ave me on the mat again and talk all
that stuff to me. No, if someone 'as to suffer... 'Ere she is.

[Noise of approaching train heard.]

BERT

Ay, that's her.

BILL

And shut goes the door.

[Enter JOHN BEAL.]

BERT

Wait a moment, Bill.

BILL

Not if he's... Not if he was ever so.

JOHN [preparing to pass]

Good morning....

BILL

Can't come through. Too late.

JOHN

Too late? Why, the train's only just in.

BILL

Don't care. It's the rule.

JOHN

O, nonsense. [He carries on.]

BILL

It's too late. I tell you you can't come.

JOHN

But that's absurd. I want to catch my train.

BILL

It's too late.

BERT

Let him go, Bill.

BILL

I'm blowed if I let him go.

JOHN

I want to catch my train.

[JOHN is stopped by BILL and pushed back by the face. JOHN advances
towards BILL looking like fighting. The train has gone.]

BILL

Only doing my duty.

[JOHN stops and reflects at this, deciding it isn't good enough. He shrugs
his shoulders, turns round and goes away.]

JOHN

I shouldn't be surprised if I didn't get even with you one of these days,
you..... and some way you won't expect.

Curtain

SCENE 2

Yesterday evening.

[Curtain rises on JOHN and MARY in their suburban home.]

JOHN

I say, dear. Don't you think we ought to plant an acacia?

MARY

An acacia, what's that, John?

JOHN

O, it's one of those trees that they have.

MARY

But why, John?

JOHN

Well, you see the house is called The Acacias, and it seems rather silly
not to have at least one.

MARY

O, I don't think that matters. Lots of places are called lots of things.
Everyone does.

JOHN

Yes, but it might help the postman.

MARY

O, no, it wouldn't, dear. He wouldn't know an acacia if he saw it any more
than I should.

JOHN

Quite right, Mary, you're always right. What a clever head you've got!

MARY

Have I, John? We'll plant an acacia if you like. I'll ask about it at the
grocer's.

JOHN

You can't get one there.

MARY

No, but he's sure to know where it can be got.

JOHN

Where do they grow, Mary?

MARY

I don't know, John; but I am sure they do, somewhere.

JOHN

Somehow I wish sometimes, I almost wish I could have gone abroad for a
week or so to places like where acacias grow naturally.

MARY

O, would you really, John?

JOHN

No, not really. But I just think of it sometimes.

MARY

Where would you have gone?

JOHN

O, I don't know. The East or some such place. I've often heard people
speak of it, and somehow it seemed so...

MARY

The East, John? Not the East. I don't think the East somehow is quite
respectable.

JOHN

O well, it's all right, I never went, and never shall go now. It doesn't
matter.

MARY [the photographs catching her eye]

O, John, I meant to tell you. Such a dreadful thing happened.

JOHN

What, Mary?

MARY

Well, Liza was dusting the photographs, and when she came to Jane's she
says she hadn't really begun to dust it, only looked at it, and it fell
down, and that bit of glass is broken right out of it.

JOHN

Ask her not to look at it so hard another time.

MARY

O, what do you mean, John?

JOHN

Well, that's how she broke it; she said so, and as I know you believe in
Liza...

MARY

Well, I can't think she'd tell a lie, John.

JOHN

No, of course not. But she mustn't look so hard another time.

MARY

And it's poor little Jane's photograph. She will feel it so.

JOHN

O, that's all right, we'll get it mended.

MARY

Still, it's a dreadful thing to have happened.

JOHN

We'll get it mended, and if Jane is unhappy about it she can have Alice's
frame. Alice is too young to notice it.

MARY

She isn't, John. She'd notice it quick.

JOHN

Well, George, then.

MARY [looking at photo thoughtfully]

Well, perhaps George might give up his frame.

JOHN

Yes, tell Liza to change it. Why not make her do it now?

MARY

Not to-day, John. Not on a Sunday. She shall do it to-morrow by the time
you get back from the office.

JOHN

All right. It might have been worse.

MARY

It's bad enough. I wish it hadn't happened.

JOHN

It might have been worse. It might have been Aunt Martha.

MARY

I'd sooner it had been her than poor little Jane.

JOHN

If it had been Aunt Martha's photograph she'd have walked in next day and
seen it for certain; I know Aunt Martha. Then there'd have been trouble.

MARY

But, John, how could she have known?

JOHN

I don't know, but she would have; it's a kind of devilish sense she has.

MARY

John!

JOHN

What's the matter?

MARY

John! What a dreadful word you used. And on a Sunday too! Really!

JOHN

O, I'm sorry. It slipped out somehow. I'm very sorry.

[Enter LIZA.]

LIZA

There's a gentleman to see you, sir, which isn't, properly speaking, a
gentleman at all. Not what I should call one, that is, like.

MARY

Not a gentleman! Good gracious, Liza! Whatever do you mean?

LIZA

He's black.

MARY

Black?

JOHN [reassuring]

O... yes, that would be Ali. A queer old customer, Mary; perfectly
harmless. Our firm gets hundreds of carpets through him; and then one
day...

MARY

But what is he doing here, John?

JOHN

Well, one day he turned up in London; broke, he said; and wanted the firm
to give him a little cash. Well, old Briggs was for giving him ten
shillings. But I said "here's a man that's helped us in making thousands
of pounds. Let's give him fifty."

MARY

Fifty pounds!

JOHN

Yes, it seems a lot; but it seemed only fair. Ten shillings would have
been an insult to the old fellow, and he'd have taken it as such. You
don't know what he'd have done.

MARY

Well, he doesn't want more?

JOHN

No, I expect he's come to thank me. He seemed pretty keen on getting some
cash. Badly broke, you see. Don't know what he was doing in London. Never
can tell with these fellows. East is East, and there's an end of it.

MARY

How did he trace you here?

JOHN

O, got the address at the office. Briggs and Cater won't let theirs be
known. Not got such a smart little house, I expect.

MARY

I don't like letting people in that you don't know where they come from.

JOHN

O, he comes from the East.

MARY

Yes, I—I know. But the East doesn't seem quite to count, somehow, as
the proper sort of place to come from, does it, dear?

JOHN

No.

MARY

It's not like Sydenham or Bromley, some place you can put your finger on.

JOHN

Perhaps just for once, I don't think there's any harm in him.

MARY

Well, just for once. But we can't make a practice of it. And you don't
want to be thinking of business on a Sunday, your only day off.

JOHN

O, it isn't business, you know. He only wants to say thank you.

MARY

I hope he won't say it in some queer Eastern way. You don't know what
these people....

JOHN

O, no. Show him up, Liza.

LIZA

As you like, mum. [Exit.]

MARY

And you gave him fifty pounds?

JOHN

Well, old Briggs agreed to it. So I suppose that's what he got. Cater paid
him.

MARY

It seems a lot of money. But I think, as the man is actually coming up the
stairs, I'm glad he's got something to be grateful for.

[Enter ALI, shown in by LIZA.]

ALI

Protector of the Just.

JOHN

O, er—yes. Good evening.

ALI

My soul was parched and you bathed it in rivers of gold.

JOHN

O, ah, yes.

ALI

Wherefore the name Briggs, Cater, and Beal shall be magnified and called
blessed.

JOHN

Ha, yes. Very good of you.

ALI [advancing, handing trinket]

Protector of the Just, my offering.

JOHN

Your offering?

ALI

Hush. It is beyond price. I am not bidden to sell it. I was in my
extremity, but I was not bidden to sell it. It is a token of gratitude, a
gift, as it came to me.

JOHN

As it came to you?

ALI

Yes, it was given me.

JOHN

I see. Then you had given somebody what you call rivers of gold?

ALI

Not gold; it was in Sahara.

JOHN

O, and what do you give in the Sahara instead of gold?

ALI

Water.

JOHN

I see. You got it for a glass of water, like.

ALI

Even so.

JOHN

And—and what happened?

MARY

I wouldn't take his only crystal, dear. It's a nice little thing, but [to
ALI], but you think a lot of it, don't you?

ALI

Even so.

JOHN

But look here, what does it do?

ALI

Much.

JOHN

Well, what?

ALI

He that taketh this crystal, so, in his hand, at night, and wishes, saying
"At a certain hour let it be"; the hour comes and he will go back eight,
ten, even twelve years if he will, into the past, and do a thing again, or
act otherwise than he did. The day passes; the ten years are accomplished
once again; he is here once more; but he is what he might have become had
he done that one thing otherwise.

MARY

John!

JOHN

I—I don't understand.

ALI

To-night you wish. All to-morrow you live the last ten years; a new way,
master, a new way, how you please. To-morrow night you are here, what
those years have made you.

JOHN

By Jove!

MARY

Have nothing to do with it, John.

JOHN

All right, Mary, I'm not going to. But, do you mean one could go back ten
years?

ALI

Even so.

JOHN

Well, it seems odd, but I'll take your word for it. But look here, you
can't live ten years in a day, you know.

ALI

My master has power over time.

MARY

John, don't have anything to do with him.

JOHN

All right, Mary. But who is your master?

ALI

He is carved of one piece of jade, a god in the greenest mountains. The
years are his dreams. This crystal is his treasure. Guard it safely, for
his power is in this more than in all the peaks of his native hills. See
what I give you, master.

JOHN

Well, really, it's very good of you.

MARY

Good night, Mr. Ali. We are very much obliged for your kind offer, which
we are so sorry we can't avail ourselves of.

JOHN

One moment, Mary. Do you mean that I can go back ten years, and live till—till
now again, and only be away a day?

ALI

Start early and you will be here before midnight.

JOHN

Would eight o'clock do!

ALI

You could be back by eleven that evening.

JOHN

I don't quite see how ten years could go in a single day.

ALI

They will go as dreams go.

JOHN

Even so, it seems rather unusual, doesn't it?

ALI

Time is the slave of my master

MARY

John!

JOHN

All right, Mary. [In a lower voice.] I'm only trying to see what he'll
say.

MARY

All right, John, only...

ALI

Is there no step that you would wish untrodden, nor stride that you would
make where once you faltered?

JOHN

I say, why don't you use it yourself?

ALI

I? I am afraid of the past. But you Engleesh, and the great firm of
Briggs, Cater, and Beal; you are afraid of nothing.

JOHN

Ha, ha. Well—I wouldn't go quite as far as that, but—well,
give me the crystal.

MARY

Don't take it, John! Don't take it.

JOHN

Why, Mary? It won't hurt me.

MARY

If it can do all that—if it can do all that...

JOHN

Well?

MARY

Why, you might never have met me.

JOHN

Never have met you? I never thought of that.

MARY

Leave the past alone, John.

JOHN

All right, Mary. I needn't use it. But I want to hear about it, it's so
odd, it's so what-you-might-call queer; I don't think I ever——-
[To ALI.] You mean if I work hard for ten years, which will only be all
to-morrow, I may be Governor of the Bank of England to-morrow night.

ALI

Even so.

MARY

O, don't do it, John.

JOHN

But you said—I'll be back here before midnight to-morrow.

ALI

It is so.

JOHN

But the Governor of the Bank of England would live in the City, and he'd
have a much bigger house anyway. He wouldn't live in Lewisham.

ALI

The crystal will bring you to this house when the hour is accomplished,
even tomorrow night. If you be the great banker you will perhaps come to
chastise one of your slaves who will dwell in this house. If you be head
of Briggs and Cater you will come to give an edict to one of your firm.
Perchance this street will be yours and you will come to show your power
unto it. But you will come.

JOHN

And if the house is not mine?

MARY

John! John! Don't.

ALI

Still you will come.

JOHN

Shall I remember?

ALI

No.

JOHN

If I want to do anything different to what I did, how shall I remember
when I get back there?

MARY

Don't. Don't do anything different, John.

JOHN

All right.

ALI

Choose just before the hour of the step you desire to change. Memory
lingers a little at first, and fades away slowly.

JOHN

Five minutes?

ALI

Even ten.

JOHN

Then I can change one thing. After that I forget.

ALI

Even so. One thing. And the rest follows.

JOHN

Well, it's very good of you to make me this nice present, I'm sure.

ALI

Sell it not. Give it, as I gave it, if the heart impels. So shall it come
back one day to the hills that are brighter than grass, made richer by the
gratitude of many men. And my master shall smile thereat and the vale
shall be glad.

JOHN

It's very good of you, I'm sure.

MARY

I don't like it, John. I don't like tampering with what's gone.

ALI

My master's power is in your hands. Farewell.

[Exit.]

JOHN

I say, he's gone.

MARY

O, he's a dreadful man.

JOHN

I never really meant to take it.

MARY

O, John, I wish you hadn't

JOHN

Why? I'm not going to use it.

MARY

Not going to use it, John?

JOHN

No, no. Not if you don't want me to.

MARY

O, I'm so glad.

JOHN

And besides, I don't want things different. I've got fond of this little
house. And Briggs is a good old sort, you know. Cater's a bit of an ass,
but there's no harm in him. In fact, I'm contented, Mary. I wouldn't even
change Aunt Martha now.

[Points at frowning framed photograph centrally hung.]

You remember when she first came and you said "Where shall we hang her?" I
said the cellar. You said we couldn't. So she had to go there. But I
wouldn't change her now. I suppose there are old watch-dogs like her in
every family. I wouldn't change anything.

MARY

O, John, wouldn't you really?

JOHN

No, I'm contented. Grim old soul, I wouldn't even change Aunt Martha.

MARY

I'm glad of that, John. I was frightened. I couldn't bear to tamper with
the past. You don't know what it is, it's what's gone. But if it really
isn't gone at all, if it can be dug up like that, why you don't know what
mightn't happen! I don't mind the future, but if the past can come back
like that.... O, don't, don't, John. Don't think of it. It isn't canny.
There's the children, John.

JOHN

Yes, yes, that's all right. It's only a little ornament. I won't use it.
And I tell you I'm content. [Happily] It's no use to me.

MARY

I'm so glad you're content, John. Are you really? Is there nothing that
you'd have had different? I sometimes thought you'd rather that Jane had
been a boy.

JOHN

Not a bit of it. Well, I may have at the time, but Arthur's good enough
for me.

MARY

I'm so glad. And there's nothing you ever regret at all?

JOHN

Nothing. And you? Is there nothing you regret, Mary?

MARY

Me? Oh, no. I still think that sofa would have been better green, but you
would have it red.

JOHN

Yes, so I would. No, there's nothing I regret.

MARY

I don't suppose there's many men can say that.

JOHN

No, I don't suppose they can. They're not all married to you. I don't
suppose many of them can.

[MARY smiles.]

MARY

I should think that very few could say that they regretted nothing... very
few in the whole world.

JOHN

Well, I won't say nothing.

MARY

What is it you regret, John?

JOHN

Well, there is one thing.

MARY

And what is that?

JOHN

One thing has rankled a bit.

MARY

Yes, John?

JOHN

O, it's nothing, it's nothing worth mentioning. But it rankled for years.

MARY

What was it, John?

JOHN

O, it seems silly to mention it. It was nothing.

MARY

But what?

JOHN

O, well, if you want to know, it was once when I missed a train. I don't
mind missing a train, but it was the way the porter pushed me out of the
way. He pushed me by the face. I couldn't hit back, because, well, you
know what lawyers make of it; I might have been ruined. So it just
rankled. It was years ago before we married.

MARY

Pushed you by the face. Good gracious!

JOHN

Yes, I'd like to have caught that train in spite of him. I sometimes think
of it still. Silly of me, isn't it?

MARY

What a brute of a man.

JOHN

O, I suppose he was doing his silly duty. But it rankled.

MARY

He'd no right to do any such thing! He'd no right to touch you!

JOHN

O, well, never mind.

MARY

I should like to have been there... I'd have...

JOHN

O, well, it can't be helped now; but I'd like to have caught it in sp...
[An idea seizes him.]

MARY

What is it?

JOHN

Can't be helped, I said. It's the very thing that can be helped.

MARY

Can be helped, John? Whatever do you mean?

JOHN

I mean he'd no right to stop me catching that train. I've got the crystal,
and I'll catch it yet!

MARY

O, John, that's what you said you wouldn't do.

JOHN

No. I said I'd do nothing to alter the past. And I won't. I'm too content,
Mary. But this can't alter it. This is nothing.

MARY

What were you going to catch the train for, John?

JOHN

For London. I wasn't at the office then. It was a business appointment.
There was a man who had promised to get me a job, and I was going up to...

MARY

John, it may alter your whole life!

JOHN

Now do listen, Mary, do listen. He never turned up. I got a letter from
him apologising to me before I posted mine to him. It turned out he never
meant to help me, mere meaningless affabilities. He never came to London
that day at all. I should have taken the next train back. That can't
affect the future.

MARY

N-no, John. Still, I don't like it.

JOHN

What difference could it make?

MARY

N-n-no.

JOHN

Think how we met. We met at ARCHIE's wedding. I take it one has to go to
one's brother's wedding. It would take a pretty big change to alter that.
And. you were her bridesmaid. We were bound to meet. And having once met,
well, there you are. If we'd met by chance, in a train, or anything like
that, well, then I admit some little change might alter it. But when we
met at ARCHIE's wedding and you were her bridesmaid, why, Mary, it's a
cert. Besides, I believe in predestination. It was our fate; we couldn't
have missed it.

MARY

No, I suppose not; still..

JOHN

Well, what?

MARY

I don't like it.

JOHN

O, Mary, I have so longed to catch that infernal train. Just think of it,
annoyed on and off for ten years by the eight-fifteen.

MARY

I'd rather you didn't, John.

JOHN

But why?

MARY

O, John, suppose there's a railway accident? You might be killed, and we
should never meet.

JOHN

There wasn't.

MARY

There wasn't, John? What do you mean?

JOHN

There wasn't an accident to the eight-fifteen. It got safely to London
just ten years ago.

MARY

Why, nor there was.

JOHN

You see how groundless your fears are. I shall catch that train, and all
the rest will happen the same as before. Just think Mary, all those old
days again. I wish I could take you with me. But you soon will be. But
just think of the old days coming back again. Hampton Court again and Kew,
and Richmond Park again with all the May. And that bun you bought, and the
corked ginger-beer, and those birds singing and the 'bus past Isleworth.
O, Mary, you wouldn't grudge me that?

MARY

Well, well then all right, John.

JOHN

And you will remember there wasn't an accident, won't you?

MARY [resignedly, sadly]

O, yes, John. And you won't try to get rich or do anything silly, will
you?

JOHN

No, Mary. I only want to catch that train. I'm content with the rest. The
same things must happen, and they must lead me the same way, to you, Mary.
Good night, now, dear.

MARY

Good night?

JOHN

I shall stay here on the sofa holding the crystal and thinking. Then I'll
have a biscuit and start at seven.

MARY

Thinking, John? What about?

JOHN

Getting it clear in my mind what I want to do. That one thing and the rest
the same. There must be no mistakes.

MARY [sadly]

Good night, John.

JOHN

Have supper ready at eleven.

MARY

Very well, John. [Exit.]

JOHN [on the sofa, after a moment or two]

I'll catch that infernal train in spite of him.

[He takes the crystal and closes it up in the palm of his left hand.]

I wish to go back ten years, two weeks and a day, at, at—8.10 a.m.
to-morrow; 8.10 a.m. to-morrow, 8.10.

[Re-enter MARY in doorway.]

MARY

John! John! You are sure he did get his fifty pounds?

JOHN

Yes. Didn't he come to thank me for the money?

MARY

You are sure it wasn't ten shillings?

JOHN

Cater paid him, I didn't.

MARY

Are you sure that Cater didn't give him ten shillings?

JOHN

It's the sort of silly thing Cater would have done!

MARY

O, John!

JOHN

Hmm.

Curtain

SCENE 3

Scene: As in Act I, Scene 1. Time. Ten years ago.

BERT

'Ow goes it, Bill?

BILL

Goes it? 'Ow d'yer think it goes?

BERT

I don't know, Bill. 'Ow is it?

BILL

Bloody.

BERT

Why, what's wrong?

BILL

Wrong? Nothing ain't wrong.

BERT

What's up, then?

BILL

Nothing ain't right.

BERT

Why, wot's the worry?

BILL

Wot's the worry? They don't give you better wages nor a dog, and then they
thinks they can talk at yer and talk at yer, and say wot they likes, like.

BERT

Why? You been on the carpet, Bill?

BILL

Ain't I! Proper.

BERT

Why? Wot about, Bill?

BILL

Wot about? I'll tell yer. Just coz I let a lidy get into a train. That's
wot about. Said I ought to 'av stopped 'er. Thought the train was moving.
Thought it was dangerous. Thought I tried to murder 'er, I suppose.

BERT

Wot? The other day?

BILL

Yes.

BERT?

Tuesday?

BILL

Yes.

BERT

Why? The one that dropped her bag?

BILL

Yes. Drops 'er bag. Writes to the company. They writes back she shouldn't
'av got in. She writes back she should. Then they gets on to me. Any more
of it and I'll...

BERT

I wouldn't, Bill; don't you.

BILL

I will.

BERT

Don't you, Bill. You've got your family to consider.

BILL

Well, anyway, I won't let any more of them passengers go jumping into
trains any more, not when they're moving, I won't. When the train gets in,
doors shut. That's the rule, and they'll have to abide by it.

[Enter JOHN BEAL.]

BILL [touching his hat] Good morning, sir.

[JOHN does not answer, but walks to the door between them.]

Carry your bag, sir?

JOHN

Go to hell!

[Exit through door.]

BILL

Ullo.

BERT

Somebody's been getting at 'im.

BILL

Well, I never did. Why, I knows the young feller.

BERT

Pleasant spoken, ain't 'e, as a rule?

BILL

Never knew 'im like this.

BERT

You ain't bin sayin' nothing to 'im, 'ave yer?

BILL

Never in my life.

BERT

Well, I never.

BILL

'Ad some trouble o' some kind.

BERT

Must 'ave.

[Train is heard.]

BILL

Ah, 'ere she is. Well, as I was saying...

Curtain

SCENE 4

In a second-class railway carriage.

Time: Same morning as Scene 1, Act I.

Noise, and a scene drawn past the windows. The scene, showing a momentary
glimpse of fair English hills, is almost entirely placards, "GIVE HER
BOVRIL," "GIVE HER OXO," alternately, for ever.

Occupants, JOHN BEAL, a girl, a man.

All sit in stoical silence like the two images near Luxor. The man has the
window seat, and therefore the right of control over the window.

MIRALDA CLEMENT

Would you mind having the window open?

THE MAN IN THE CORNER [shrugging his shoulders in a shivery way]

Er—certainly. [Meaning he does not mind. He opens the window.]

MIRALDA CLEMENT

Thank you so much.

MAN IN THE CORNER

Not at all. [He does not mean to contradict her. Stoical silence again.]

MIRALDA CLEMENT

Would you mind having it shut now? I think it is rather cold.

MAN IN THE CORNER

Certainly.

[He shuts it. Silence again.]

MIRALDA CLEMENT

I think I'd like the window open again now for a bit. It is rather stuffy,
isn't it?

MAN IN THE CORNER

Well, I think it's very cold.

MIRALDA CLEMENT

O, do you? But would you mind opening it for me?

MAN IN THE CORNER

I'd much rather it was shut, if you don't mind.

[She sighs, moves her hands slightly, and her pretty face expresses the
resignation of the Christian martyr in the presence of lions. This for the
benefit of John.]

JOHN

Allow me, madam.

[He leans across the window's rightful owner, a bigger man than he, and
opens his window.

MAN IN THE CORNER shrugs his shoulders and, quite sensibly, turns to his
paper.]

MIRALDA

O, thank you so much.

JOHN

Don't mention it.

[Silence again.]

VOICES OF PORTERS [Off]

Fan Kar, Fan Kar.

[MAN IN THE CORNER gets out.]

MIRALDA

Could you tell me where this is?

JOHN

Yes. Elephant and Castle.

MIRALDA

Thank you so much. It was kind of you to protect me from that horrid man.
He wanted to suffocate me.

JOHN

O, very glad to assist you, I'm sure. Very glad.

MIRALDA

I should have been afraid to have done it in spite of him. It was splendid
of you.

JOHN

O, that was nothing.

MIRALDA

O, it was, really.

JOHN

Only too glad to help you in any little way.

MIRALDA

It was so kind of you.

JOHN

O, not at all.

[Silence for a bit.]

MIRALDA

I've nobody to help me.

JOHN

Er, er, haven't you really?

MIRALDA

No, nobody.

JOHN

I'd be very glad to help you in any little way.

MIRALDA

I wonder if you could advise me.

JOHN

I—I'd do my best.

MIRALDA

You see, I have nobody to advise me.

JOHN

No, of course not.

MIRALDA

I live with my aunt, and she doesn't understand. I've no father or mother.

JOHN

O, er, er, really?

MIRALDA

No. And an uncle died and he left me a hundred thousand pounds.

JOHN

Really?

MIRALDA

Yes. He didn't like me. I think he did it out of contrariness as much as
anything. He was always like that to me.

JOHN

Was he? Was he really?

MIRALDA

Yes. It was invested at twenty-five per cent. He never liked me. Thought I
was too—I don't know what.

JOHN

No.

MIRALDA

That was five years ago, and I've never got a penny of it.

JOHN

Really. But, but that's not right.

MIRALDA [sadly]

No.

JOHN

Where's it invested?

MIRALDA

In Al Shaldomir.

JOHN

Where's that?

MIRALDA

I don't quite know. I never was good at geography. I never quite knew
where Persia ends.

JOHN

And what kind of an investment was it?

MIRALDA

There's a pass in some mountains that they can get camels over, and a huge
toll is levied on everything that goes by; that is the custom of the tribe
that lives there, and I believe the toll is regularly collected.

JOHN

And who gets it?

MIRALDA

The chief of the tribe. He is called Ben Hussein. But my uncle lent him
all this money, and the toll on the camels was what they call the
security. They always carry gold and turquoise, you know.

JOHN

Do they?

MIRALDA

Yes, they get it from the rivers.

JOHN

I see.

MIRALDA

It does seem a shame his not paying, doesn't it?

JOHN

A shame? I should think it is. An awful shame. Why, it's a crying shame.
He ought to go to prison.

MIRALDA

Yes, he ought. But you see it's so hard to find him. It isn't as if it was
this side of Persia. It's being on the other side that is such a pity. If
only it was in a country like, like...

JOHN

I'd soon find him. I'd... Why, a man like that deserves anything.

MIRALDA

It is good of you to say that.

JOHN

Why, I'd... And you say you never got a penny?

MIRALDA

No.

JOHN

Well, that is a shame. I call that a downright shame.

MIRALDA

Now, what ought I to do?

JOHN

Do? Well, now, you know in business there's nothing like being on the
spot. When you're on the spot you can—but then, of course, it's so
far.

MIRALDA

It is, isn't it?

JOHN

Still, I think you should go if you could. If only I could offer to help
you in any way, I would gladly, but of course...

MIRALDA

What would you do?

JOHN

I'd go and find that Hussein fellow; and then...

MIRALDA

Yes?

JOHN

Why, I'd tell him a bit about the law, and make him see that you didn't
keep all that money that belonged to someone else.

MIRALDA

Would you really?

JOHN

Nothing would please me better.

MIRALDA

Would you really? Would you go all that way?

JOHN

It's just the sort of thing that I should like, apart from the crying
shame. The man ought to be...

MIRALDA

We're getting into Holborn. Would you come and lunch somewhere with me and
talk it over?

JOHN

Gladly. I'd be glad to help. I've got to see a man on business first. I've
come up to see him. And then after that, after that there was something I
wanted to do after that. I can't think what it was. But something I wanted
to do after that. O, heavens, what was it?

[Pause.]

MIRALDA

Can't you think?

JOHN

No. O, well, it can't have been so very important. And yet... Well, where
shall we lunch?

MIRALDA

Gratzenheim's.

JOHN

Right. What time?

MIRALDA

One-thirty. Would that suit?

JOHN

Perfectly. I'd like to get a man like Hussein in prison. I'd like... O, I
beg your pardon.

[He hurries to open the door. Exit MIRALDA.]

Now what was it I wanted to do afterwards?

[Throws hand to forehead.] O, never mind.

Curtain

ACT II

SCENE

JOHN's tent in Al Shaldomir. There are two heaps of idols, left and right,
lying upon the ground inside the tent. DAOUD carries another idol in his
arms. JOHN looks at its face.

Six months have elapsed since the scene in the second-class railway
carriage.

JOHN BEAL

This god is holy.

[He points to the left heap. DAOUD carries it there and lays it on the
heap.]

DAOUD

Yes, great master.

JOHN BEAL

You are in no wise to call me great master. Have not I said so? I am not
your master. I am helping you people. I know better than you what you
ought to do, because I am English. But that's all. I'm not your master,
See?

DAOUD

Yes, great master.

JOHN BEAL

O, go and get some more idols. Hurry.

DAOUD

Great master, I go. [Exit.]

JOHN BEAL

I can't make these people out.

DAOUD [returning]

I have three gods.

JOHN BEAL [looking at their faces, pointing to the two smaller idols
first] These two are holy. This one is unholy.

DAOUD

Yes, great master.

JOHN BEAL

Put them on the heap.

[DAOUD does so, two left, one right.]

Get some more.

[DAOUD salaams. Exit.]

[Looking at right heap.] What a—what a filthy people

[Enter DAOUD with two idols.]

JOHN BEAL [after scrutiny]

This god is holy, this is unholy.

[Enter ARCHIE BEAL, wearing a "Bowler" hat.]

Why, ARCHIE, this is splendid of you! You've come! Why, that's splendid!
All that way!

ARCHIE BEAL

Yes, I've come. Whatever are you doing?

JOHN BEAL

ARCHIE, it's grand of you to come! I never ought to have asked it of you,
only...

ARCHIE BEAL

O, that's all right. But what in the world are you doing?

JOHN BEAL

ARCHIE, it's splendid of you.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, cut it. That's all right. But what's all this?

JOHN BEAL

O, this. Well, well they're the very oddest people here. It's a long
story. But I wanted to tell you first how enormously grateful I am to you
for coming.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, that's all right. But I want to know what you're doing with all these
genuine antiques.

JOHN BEAL

Well, ARCHIE, the fact of it is they're a real odd lot of people here.
I've learnt their language, more or less, but I don't think I quite
understand them yet. A lot of them are Mahommedans; they worship Mahommed,
you know. He's dead. But a lot of them worship these things, and...

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, what have you got 'em all in here for?

JOHN BEAL

Yes, that's just it. I hate interfering with them, but, well, I simply had
to. You see there's two sorts of idols here; they offer fruit and rats to
some of them; they lay them on their hands or their laps.

ARCHIE BEAL

Why do they offer them rats?

JOHN BEAL

O, I don't know. They don't know either. It's the right thing to do out
here, it's been the right thing for hundreds of years; nobody exactly
knows why. It's like the bows we have on evening shoes, or anything else.
But it's all right.

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, what are you putting them in heaps for?

JOHN BEAL

Because there's the other kind, the ones with wide mouths and rust round
them.

ARCHIE BEAL

Rust? Yes, so there is. What do they do?

JOHN BEAL

They offer blood to them, ARCHIE. They pour it down their throats.
Sometimes they kill people, sometimes they only bleed them. It depends how
much blood the idol wants.

ARCHIE BEAL

How much blood it wants? Good Lord! How do they know?

JOHN BEAL

The priests tell them. Sometimes they fill them up to their necks—they're
all hollow, you know. In spring it's awful.

ARCHIE BEAL

Why are they worse in spring?

JOHN BEAL

I don't know. The priests ask for more blood then. Much more. They say it
always was so.

ARCHIE BEAL

And you're stopping it?

JOHN BEAL

Yes, I'm stopping these. One must. I'm letting them worship those. Of
course, it's idolatry and all that kind of thing, but I don't like
interfering short of actual murder.

ARCHIE BEAL

And they're obeying you?

JOHN BEAL

'M, y-yes. I think so.

ARCHIE BEAL

You must have got a great hold over them.

JOHN BEAL

Well, I don't know about that. It's the pass that counts.

ARCHIE BEAL

The pass?

JOHN BEAL

Yes, that place you came over. It's the only way anyone can get here.

ARCHIE BEAL

Yes, I suppose it is. But how does the pass affect these idols?

JOHN BEAL

It affects everything here. If that pass were closed no living man would
ever enter or leave, or even hear of, this country. It's absolutely cut
off except for that one pass. Why, ARCHIE, it isn't even on the map.

ARCHIE BEAL

Yes, I know.

JOHN BEAL

Well, whoever owns that pass is everybody. No one else counts.

ARCHIE BEAL

And who does own it?

JOHN BEAL

Well, it's actually owned by a fellow called Hussein, but Miss Clement's
uncle, a man called Hinnard, a kind of lonely explorer, seems to have come
this way; and I think he understood what this pass is worth. Anyhow, he
lent Hussein a big sum of money and got an acknowledgment from Hussein.
Old Hinnard must have been a wonderfully shrewd man. For that
acknowledgment is no more legal than an I.O.U., and Hussein is simply a
brigand.

ARCHIE BEAL

Not very good security.

JOHN BEAL

Well, you're wrong there. Hussein himself respects that piece of parchment
he signed. There's the name of some god or other written on it Hussein is
frightened of. Now you see how things are. That pass is as holy as all the
gods that there are in Al Shaldomir. Hussein possesses it. But he owes an
enormous sum to Miss Miralda Clement, and I am here as her agent; and
you've come to help me like a great sportsman.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, never mind that. Well, it all seems pretty simple.

JOHN BEAL

Well, I don't know, ARCHIE. Hussein admits the debt, but...

ARCHIE BEAL

But what?

JOHN BEAL

I don't know what he'll do.

ARCHIE BEAL

Wants watching, does he?

JOHN BEAL

Yes. And meanwhile I feel sort of responsible for all these silly people.
Somebody's got to look after them. Daoud!

DAOUD [off]

Great master.

JOHN BEAL

Bring in some more gods.

DAOUD

Yes, great master.

JOHN BEAL

I can't get them to stop calling me absurd titles. They're so infernally
Oriental.

[Enter DAOUD.]

ARCHIE BEAL

He's got two big ones this time.

JOHN BEAL [to ARCHIE]

You see, there is rust about their mouths. [To DAOUD]: They are both
unholy.

[He points to R. heap, and DAOUD puts them there. To DAOUD.]

Bring in some more.

DAOUD

Great master, there are no more gods in Al Shaldomir.

JOHN BEAL

It is well.

DAOUD

What orders, great master.

JOHN BEAL

Listen. At night you shall come and take these gods away. These shall be
worshipped again in their own place, these you shall cast into the great
river and tell no man where you cast them.

DAOUD

Yes, great master.

JOHN BEAL

You will do this, Daoud?

DAOUD

Even so, great master.

JOHN BEAL

I am sorry to make you do it. You are sad that you have to do it. Yet it
must be done.

DAOUD

Yes, I am sad, great master.

JOHN BEAL

But why are you sad, Daoud?

DAOUD

Great master, in times you do not know these gods were holy. In times you
have not guessed. In old centuries, master, perhaps before the pass. Men
have prayed to them, sorrowed before them, given offerings to them. The
light of old hearths has shone on them, flames from old battles. The
shadow of the mountains has fallen on them, so many times, master, so many
times. Dawn and sunset have shone on them, master, like firelight
flickering; dawn and sunset, dawn and sunset, flicker, flicker, flicker
for century after century. They have sat there watching the dawns like old
men by the fire. They are so old, master, so old. And some day dawn and
sunset will die away and shine on the world no more, and they would have
still sat on in the cold. And now they go... They are our history, master,
they are our old times. Though they be bad times they are our times,
master; and now they go. I am sad, master, when the old gods go.

JOHN BEAL

But they are bad gods, Daoud.

DAOUD

I am sad when the bad gods go.

JOHN BEAL

They must go, Daoud. See, there is no one watching. Take them now.

DAOUD

Even so, great master.

[He takes up the largest of the gods with rust.]

Come, Aho-oomlah, thou shalt not drink Nideesh.

JOHN BEAL

Was Nideesh to have been sacrificed?

DAOUD

He was to have been drunk by Aho-oomlah.

JOHN BEAL

Nideesh. Who is he?

DAOUD

He is my son.

[Exit with Aho-oomlah. JOHN BEAL almost gasps.]

ARCHIE BEAL [who has been looking round the tent]

What has he been saying?

JOHN BEAL

They're—they're a strange people. I can't make them out.

ARCHIE BEAL

Is that the heap that oughtn't to be worshipped?

JOHN BEAL

Yes.

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, do you know, I'm going to chuck this hat there. It doesn't seem to
me somehow to be any more right here than those idols would be at home.
Odd isn't it? Here goes.

[He throws hat on right heap of idols. JOHN BEAL does not smile.]

Why, what's the matter?

JOHN BEAL

I don't like to see a decent Christian hat among these filthy idols.
They've all got rust on their mouths. I don't like to see it, Archie; it's
sort of like what they call an omen. I don't like it.

ARCHIE BEAL

Do they keep malaria here?

JOHN BEAL

I don't think so. Why?

ARCHIE BEAL

Then what's the matter, Johnny? Your nerves are bad.

JOHN BEAL

You don't know these people, and I've brought you out here. I feel kind of
responsible. If Hussein's lot turn nasty you don't know what he'd do, with
all those idols and all.

ARCHIE BEAL

He'll give 'em a drink, you mean.

JOHN BEAL

Don't, ARCHIE. There's no saying. And I feel responsible for you.

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, they can have my hat. It looks silly, somehow. I don't know why.
What are we going to do?

JOHN BEAL

Well, now that you've come we can go ahead.

ARCHIE BEAL

Righto. What at?

JOHN BEAL

We've got to see Hussein's accounts, and get everything clear in black and
white, and see just what he owes to Miss Miralda Clement.

ARCHIE BEAL

But they don't keep accounts here.

JOHN BEAL

How do you know?

ARCHIE BEAL

Why, of course they don't. One can see that.

JOHN BEAL

But they must.

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, you haven't changed a bit for your six months here.

JOHN BEAL

Haven't changed?

ARCHIE BEAL

No. Just quietly thinking of business. You'll be a great business man,
Johnny.

JOHN BEAL

But we must do business; that's what I came here for.

ARCHIE BEAL

You'll never make these people do it.

JOHN BEAL

Well, what do you suggest?

ARCHIE BEAL

Let's have a look at old Hussein.

JOHN BEAL

Yes, that's what I have been waiting for. Daoud!

DAOUD [off]

Master. [Enters.]

JOHN BEAL

Go to the palace of the Lord of the pass and beat on the outer door. Say
that I desire to see him. Pray him to come to my tent.

[DAOUD bows and Exit.]

[To ARCHIE.] I've sent him to the palace to ask Hussein to come.

ARCHIE BEAL

Lives in a palace, does he?

JOHN BEAL

Yes, it's a palace, it's a wonderful place. It's bigger than the Mansion
House, much.

ARCHIE BEAL

And you're going to teach him to keep accounts.

JOHN BEAL

Well, I must. I hate doing it. It seems almost like being rude to the Lord
Mayor. But there's two things I can't stand—cheating in business is
one and murder's another. I've got to interfere. You see, if one happens
to know the right from wrong as we do, we've simply got to tell people who
don't. But it isn't pleasant. I almost wish I'd never come.

ARCHIE BEAL

Why, it's the greatest sport in the world. It's splendid.

JOHN BEAL

I don't see it that way. To me those idols are just horrid murder. And
this man owes money to this girl with no one to look after her, and he's
got to pay. But I hate being rude to a man in a place like the Mansion
House, even if he is black. Why, good Lord, who am I? It seems such cheek.

ARCHIE BEAL

I say, Johnny, tell me about the lady. Is she pretty?

JOHN BEAL

What, Miss Miralda? Yes.

ARCHIE BEAL

But what I mean is—what's she like?

JOHN BEAL

Oh, I don't know. It's very hard to say. She's, she's tall and she's fair
and she's got blue eyes.

ARCHIE BEAL

Yes, but I mean what kind of a person is she? How does she strike you?

JOHN BEAL

Well, she's pretty hard up until she gets this money, and she hasn't got
any job that's any good, and no real prospects bar this, and nobody
particular by birth, and doesn't know anybody who is, and lives in the
least fashionable suburb and can only just afford a second-class fare
and...

ARCHIE BEAL

Yes, yes, go on.

JOHN BEAL

And yet somehow she sort of seems like a—like a queen.

ARCHIE BEAL

Lord above us! And what kind of a queen?

JOHN BEAL

O, I don't know. Well, look here, ARCHIE, it's only my impression. I don't
know her well yet. It's only my impression. I only tell you in absolute
confidence. You won't pass it on to anybody, of course.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, no. Go on.

JOHN BEAL

Well, I don't know, only she seemed more like well, a kind of autocrat,
you know, who'd stop at nothing. Well, no, I don't mean that, only...

ARCHIE BEAL

So you're not going to marry her?

JOHN BEAL

Marry her! Good Lord, no. Why, you'd never dare ask her. She's not that
sort. I tell you she's a sort of queen. And (Good Lord!) she'd be a queen
if it wasn't for Hussein, or something very like one. We can't go marrying
queens. Anyhow, not one like her.

ARCHIE BEAL

Why not one like her?

JOHN BEAL

I tell you—she's a—well, a kind of goddess. You couldn't ask
her if she loved you. It would be such, such...

ARCHIE BEAL

Such what?

JOHN BEAL

Such infernal cheek.

ARCHIE BEAL

I see. Well, I see you aren't in love with her. But it seems to me you'll
be seeing a good deal of her some day if we pull this off. And then, my
boy-o, you'll be going and getting in love with her.

JOHN BEAL

I tell you I daren't. I'd as soon propose to the Queen of Sheba.

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, Johnny, I'm going to protect you from her all I can.

JOHN BEAL

Protect me from her? Why?

ARCHIE BEAL

Why, because there's lots of other girls and it seems to me you might be
happier with some of them.

JOHN BEAL

But you haven't even seen her.

ARCHIE BEAL

Nor I have. Still, if I'm here to protect you I somehow think I will. And
if I'm not ...

JOHN BEAL

Well, and what then?

ARCHIE BEAL

What nonsense I'm talking. Fate does everything. I can't protect you.

JOHN BEAL

Yes, it's nonsense all right, ARCHIE, but...

HUSSEIN [off]

I am here.

JOHN BEAL

Be seen.

[HUSSEIN enters. He is not unlike Bluebeard.]

JOHN BEAL [pointing to ARCHIE] My brother.

[ARCHIE shakes hands with HUSSEIN. HUSSEIN looks at his hand when it is
over in a puzzled way. JOHN BEAL and Hussein then bow to each other.]

HUSSEIN

You desired my presence.

JOHN BEAL

I am honoured.

HUSSEIN

And I.

JOHN BEAL

The white traveller, whom we call Hinnard, lent you one thousand greater
gold pieces, which in our money is one hundred thousand pounds, as you
acknowledge. [Hussein nods his head.] And every year you were to pay him
for this two hundred and fifty of your greater gold pieces—as you
acknowledge also.

HUSSEIN

Even so.

JOHN BEAL

And this you have not yet had chance to pay, but owe it still.

HUSSEIN

I do.

JOHN BEAL

And now Hinnard is dead.

HUSSEIN

Peace be with him.

JOHN BEAL

His heiress is Miss Miralda Clement, who instructs me to be her agent.
What have you to say?

HUSSEIN

Peace be with Hinnard.

JOHN BEAL

You acknowledge your debt to this lady, Miss Miralda Clement?

HUSSEIN

I know her not.

JOHN BEAL

You will not pay your debt?

HUSSEIN

I will pay.

JOHN BEAL

If you bring the gold to my tent, my brother will take it to Miss Clement.

HUSSEIN

I do not pay to Miss Clement.

JOHN BEAL

To whom do you pay?

HUSSEIN

I pay to Hinnard.

JOHN BEAL

Hinnard is dead.

HUSSEIN

I pay to Hinnard.

JOHN BEAL

How will you pay to Hinnard?

HUSSEIN

If he be buried in the sea...

JOHN BEAL

He is not buried at sea.

HUSSEIN

If he be buried by any river I go to the god of rivers.

JOHN BEAL

He is buried on land near no river.

HUSSEIN

Therefore I will go to a bronze god of earth, very holy, having the soil
in his care and the things of earth. I will take unto him the greater
pieces of gold due up to the year when the white traveller died, and will
melt them in fire at his feet by night on the mountains, saying, "O,
Lruru-onn (this is his name) take this by the way of earth to the grave of
Hinnard." And so I shall be free of my debt before all gods.

JOHN BEAL

But not before me. I am English. And we are greater than gods.

ARCHIE BEAL

What's that, Johnny?

JOHN BEAL

He won't pay, but I told him we're English and that they're greater than
all his bronze gods.

ARCHIE BEAL

That's right, Johnny.

[HUSSEIN looks fiercely at ARCHIE. He sees ARCHIE's hat lying before a big
idol. He points at the hat and looks in the face of the idol.]

HUSSEIN [to the idol] Drink! Drink!

[He bows. Exit.]

ARCHIE BEAL

What's that he's saying?

JOHN BEAL [meditatively] O, nothing—nothing.

ARCHIE BEAL

He won't pay, oh?

JOHN BEAL

No, not to Miss Miralda.

ARCHIE BEAL

Who to?

JOHN BEAL

To one of his gods.

ARCHIE BEAL

That won't do.

JOHN BEAL

No.

ARCHIE BEAL

What'll we do?

JOHN BEAL

I don't quite know. It isn't as if we were in England.

ARCHIE BEAL

No, it isn't.

JOHN BEAL

If we were in England...

ARCHIE BEAL

I know; if we were in England you could call a policeman. I tell you what
it is, Johnny.

JOHN BEAL

Yes?

ARCHIE BEAL

I tell you what; you want to see more of Miss Clement.

JOHN BEAL

Why?

ARCHIE BEAL

Why, because at the present moment our friend Hussein is a craftier fellow
than you, and looks like getting the best of it.

JOHN BEAL

How will seeing more of Miss Miralda help us?

ARCHIE BEAL

Why, because you want to be a bit craftier than Hussein, and I fancy she
might make you.

JOHN BEAL

She? How?

ARCHIE BEAL

We're mostly made what we are by some woman or other. We think it's our
own cleverness, but we're wrong. As things are you're no match for
Hussein, but if you altered...

JOHN BEAL

Why, ARCHIE; where did you get all those ideas from?

ARCHIE BEAL

O, I don't know.

JOHN BEAL

You never used to talk like that.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, well.

JOHN BEAL

You haven't been getting in love, ARCHIE, have you?

ARCHIE BEAL

What are we to do about Hussein?

JOHN BEAL

It's funny your mentioning Miss Miralda. I got a letter from her the same
day I got yours.

ARCHIE BEAL

What does she say?

JOHN BEAL

I couldn't make it out.

ARCHIE BEAL

What were her words?

JOHN BEAL

She said she was going into it closer. She underlined closer. What could
she mean by that? How could she get closer?

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, the same way as I did.

JOHN BEAL

How do you mean? I don't understand.

ARCHIE BEAL

By coming here.

JOHN BEAL

By coming here? But she can't come here.

ARCHIE BEAL

Why not?

JOHN BEAL

Because it's impossible. Absolutely impossible. Why—good Lord—she
couldn't come here. Why, she'd want a chaperon and a house and—and—everything.
Good Lord, she couldn't come here. It would be—well it would be
impossible—it couldn't be done.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, all right. Then I don't know what she meant.

JOHN BEAL

ARCHIE! You don't really think she'd come here? You don't really think it,
do you?

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, it's the sort of thing that that sort of girl might do, but of
course I can't say...

JOHN BEAL

Good Lord, ARCHIE! That would be awful.

ARCHIE BEAL

But why?

JOHN BEAL

Why? But what would I do? Where would she go? Where would her chaperon go?
The chaperon would be some elderly lady. Why, it would kill her.

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, if it did you've never met her, so you needn't go into mourning for
an elderly lady that you don't know; not yet, anyway.

JOHN BEAL

No, of course not. You're laughing at me, ARCHIE. But for the moment I
took you seriously. Of course, she won't come. One can go into a thing
closely without doing it absolutely literally. But, good Lord, wouldn't it
be an awful situation if she did.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, I don't know.

JOHN BEAL

All alone with me here? No, impossible. And the country isn't civilised.

ARCHIE BEAL.

Women aren't civilised.

JOHN BEAL

Women aren't...? Good Lord, ARCHIE, what an awful remark. What do you
mean?

ARCHIE BEAL

We're tame, they're wild. We like all the dull things and the quiet
things, they like all the romantic things and the dangerous things.

JOHN BEAL

Why, ARCHIE, it's just the other way about.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, yes; we do all the romantic things, and all the dangerous things. But
why?

JOHN BEAL

Why? Because we like them, I suppose. I can't think of any other reason.

ARCHIE BEAL

I hate danger. Don't you?

JOHN BEAL

Er—well, yes, I suppose I do, really.

ARCHIE BEAL

Of course you do. We all do. It's the women that put us up to it. She's
putting you up to this. And the more she puts you up to the more likely is
Hussein to get it in his fat neck.

JOHN BEAL

But—but you don't mean you'd hurt Hussein? Not—not badly, I
mean.

ARCHIE BEAL

We're under her orders, Johnny. See what she says.

JOHN BEAL

You, you don't really think she'll come here?

ARCHIE BEAL

Of course I do, and the best thing too. It's her show; she ought to come.

JOHN BEAL

But, but you don't understand. She's just a young girl, A girl like Miss
Miralda couldn't come out here over the pass and down these mountains,
she'd never stand it, and as for the chaperon... You've never met Miss
Miralda.

ARCHIE BEAL

No, Johnny. But the girl that was able to get you to go from Bromley to
this place can look after herself.

JOHN BEAL

I don't see what that's got to do with it. She was in trouble and I had to
help her.

ARCHIE BEAL

Yes, and she'll be in trouble all the way here from Blackheath, and
everyone will have to help her.

JOHN BEAL

What beats me is how you can have the very faintest inkling of what she's
like without ever having seen her and without my having spoken of her to
you for more than a minute.

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, Johnny, you're not a romantic bird, you're not a traveller by
nature, barring your one trip to Eastbourne, and it was I that took you
there. And contrariwise, as they say in a book you've never read, you're a
levelheaded business man and a hardworking respectable stay-at-home. You
meet a girl in a train, and the next time I see you you're in a place that
isn't marked on the map and telling it what gods it ought to worship and
what gods it ought to have agnosticism about. Well, I say some girl.

JOHN BEAL

Well, I must say you make the most extraordinary deductions, but it was
awfully good of you to come, and I ought to be grateful; and I am, too,
I'm awfully grateful; and I ought to let you talk all the rot you like. Go
ahead. You shall say what you like and do what you like. It isn't many
brothers that would do what you've done.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, that's nothing. I like this country. I'm glad I came. And if I can help
you with Hussein, why all the better.

JOHN BEAL

It's an awful country, Archie, but we've got to see this through.

ARCHIE BEAL

Does she know all about Hussein?

JOHN BEAL

Yes, everything. I've written fully.

OMAR [Off]

Al Shaldomir, Al Shaldomir, The nightingales that guard thy ways...

JOHN BEAL [shouting

O, go away, go away. [To ARCHIE.] I said it was an awful country. They sit
down outside one's tent and do that kind of thing for no earthly reason.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, I'd let them sing.

JOHN BEAL

O, you can't have people doing that kind of thing.

OMAR [in doorway]

Master, I go.

JOHN BEAL

But why do you come?

OMAR

I came to sing a joyous song to you, master.

JOHN BEAL

Why did you want to sing me a joyous song?

OMAR

Because a lady is riding out of the West. [Exit.]

JOHN BEAL

A lady out of... Good Lord!

ARCHIE BEAL

She's coming, Johnny.

JOHN BEAL

Coming? Good Lord, no, Archie. He said a lady; there'd be the chaperon
too. There'd be two of them if it was Miss Miralda. But he said a lady.
One lady. It can't be her. A girl like that alone in Al Shaldomir. Clean
off the map. Oh, no, it isn't possible.

ARCHIE BEAL

I wouldn't worry.

JOHN BEAL

Wouldn't worry? But, good Lord, the situation's impossible. People would
talk. Don't you see what people would say? And where could they go? Who
would look after them? Do try and understand how awful it is. But it
isn't. It's impossible. It can't be them. For heaven's sake run out and
see if it is; and (good Lord!) I haven't brushed my hair all day, and, and—oh,
look at me.

[He rushes to camp mirror. Exit ARCHIE.

JOHN BEAL tidies up desperately.

Enter ARCHIE.]

ARCHIE BEAL

It's what you call THEM.

JOHN BEAL

What I call THEM? Whatever do you mean?

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, it's her. She's just like what you said.

JOHN BEAL

But it can't be. She doesn't ride. She can never have been able to afford
a horse.

ARCHIE BEAL

She's on a camel. She'll be here in a moment. [He goes to door.] Hurry up
with that hair; she's dismounted.

JOHN BEAL

O, Lord! What's the chaperon like?

ARCHIE BEAL

O, she's attending to that herself.

JOHN BEAL

Attending to it herself? What do you mean?

ARCHIE BEAL

I expect she'll attend to most things.

[Enter HAFIZ EL ALCOLAHN in doorway of tent, pulling back flap a little.]

JOHN BEAL

Who are you?

HAFIZ

I show the gracious lady to your tent.

[Enter MIRALDA CLEMENT, throwing a smile to HAFIZ.]

MIRALDA

Hullo, Mr. Beal.

JOHN BEAL

Er—er—how do you do?

[She looks at ARCHIE.]

O, this is my brother—Miss Clement.

MIRANDA and ARCHIE BEAL

How do you do?

MIRALDA

I like this country.

JOHN BEAL

I'm afraid I hardly expected you.

MIRALDA

Didn't you?

JOHN BEAL

No. You see er—it's such a long way. And wasn't it very expensive?

MIRALDA

Well, the captain of the ship was very kind to me.

JOHN BEAL

O! But what did you do when you landed?

MIRALDA

O, there were some Arabs coming this way in a caravan. They were really
very good to me too.

JOHN BEAL

But the camel?

MIRALDA

O, there were some people the other side of the mountains. Everybody has
been very kind about it. And then there was the man who showed me here.
He's called Hafiz el Alcolahn. It's a nice name, don't you think?

JOHN BEAL

But, you know, this country, Miss Clement, I'm half afraid it's hardly—isn't
it, Archie? Er—how long did you think of staying?

MIRALDA

O, a week or so.

JOHN BEAL

I don't know what you'll think of Al Shaldomir. I'm afraid you'll find
it...

MIRALDA

Oh, I like it. Just that hollow in the mountains, and the one pass, and no
record of it anywhere. I like that. I think it's lovely.

JOHN BEAL

You see, I'm afraid—what I mean is I'm afraid the place isn't even
on the map!

MIRALDA

O, that's lovely of it.

JOHN BEAL

All decent places are.

MIRALDA

You mean if a place is on the map we've got to behave accordingly. But if
not, why...

JOHN BEAL

Hussein won't pay.

MIRALDA

Let's see Hussein.

JOHN BEAL

I'm afraid he's rather, he's rather a savage-looking brigand.

MIRALDA

Never mind.

[ARCHIE is quietly listening and smiling sometimes.]

Enter DAOUD. He goes up to the unholy heap and takes away two large idols,
one under each arm. Exit.]

What's that, Mr. Beal?

JOHN BEAL

O, that. I'm afraid it's rather horrible. I told you it was an awful
country. They pray to these idols here, and some are all right, though of
course it's terribly blasphemous, but that heap, well, I'm afraid, well
that heap is very bad indeed.

MIRALDA

What do they do?

JOHN BEAL

They kill people.

MIRALDA

Do they? How?

JOHN BEAL

I'm afraid they pour their blood down those horrible throats.

MIRALDA

Do they? How do you know?

JOHN BEAL

I've seen them do it, and those mouths are all rusty. But it's all right
now. It won't happen any more.

MIRALDA

Won't it? Why not?

JOHN BEAL

Well, I...

ARCHIE BEAL

He's stopped them, Miss Clement. They're all going to be thrown into the
river.

MIRALDA

Have you?

JOHN BEAL

Well, yes. I had to. So it's all right now. They won't do it any more.

MIRALDA

H'm.

JOHN BEAL

What, what is it? I promise you that's all right. They won't do that any
more.

MIRALDA

H'm. I've never known anyone that tried to govern a country or anything of
that sort, but...

JOHN BEAL

Of course, I'm just doing what I can to put them right.... I'd be very
glad of your advice... Of course, I'm only here in your name.

MIRALDA

What I mean is that I'd always thought that the one thing you shouldn't
do, if you don't mind my saying so...

JOHN BEAL

No, certainly.

MIRALDA

Was to interfere in people's religious beliefs.

JOHN BEAL

But, but I don't think you quite understand. The priests knife these
people in the throat, boys and girls, and then acolytes lift them up and
the blood runs down. I've seen them.

MIRALDA

I think it's best to leave religion to the priests. They understand that
kind of thing.

[JOHN BEAL opens his mouth in horror and looks at ARCHIE. ARCHIE returns
the glance; there is very nearly a twinkle in ARCHIE's eyes.]

MIRALDA

Let's see Hussein.

JOHN BEAL

What do you think, Archie?

ARCHIE BEAL

Poor fellow. We'd better send for him.

MIRALDA

Why do you say "poor fellow"?

ARCHIE BEAL

Oh, because he's so much in debt. It's awful to be in debt. I'd sooner
almost anything happened to me than to owe a lot of money.

MIRALDA

Your remark didn't sound very complimentary.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, I only meant that I'd hate to be in debt. And I should hate owing money
to you, Because...

MIRALDA

Why?

ARCHIE BEAL

Because I should so awfully want to pay it.

MIRALDA

I see.

ARCHIE BEAL

That's all I meant.

MIRALDA

Does Hussein awfully want to pay it?

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, no. But he hasn't seen you yet. He will then, of course.

[Enter DAOUD. He goes to the unholy heap.]

JOHN BEAL

Daoud, for the present these gods must stay. Aho-oomlah's gone, but the
rest must stay for the present.

DAOUD

Even so, great master.

JOHN BEAL

Daoud, go once more to the palace of the Lord of the Pass and beat the
outer door. Say that the great lady herself would see him. The great lady,
Miss Clement, the white traveller's heiress.

DAOUD

Yes, master.

JOHN BEAL

Hasten.

[Exit DAOUD.]

I have sent him for Hussein.

MIRALDA

I don't know their language.

JOHN BEAL

You will see him, and I'll tell you what he says.

MIRALDA [to ARCHIE]

Have you been here long?

ARCHIE BEAL

No. I think he wrote to me by the same mail as he wrote to you (if they
have mails here). I came at once.

MIRALDA

So did I; but you weren't on the Empress of Switzerland.

ARCHIE BEAL

No, I came round more by land.

JOHN BEAL

You know, I hardly like bringing Hussein in here to see you. He's such a—he's
rather a...

MIRALDA

What's the matter with him?

JOHN BEAL

Well, he's rather of the brigand type, and one doesn't know what he'll do.

MIRALDA

Well, we must see him first and hear what he has to say before we take any
steps.

JOHN BEAL

But what do you propose to do?

MIRALDA

Why, if he pays me everything he owes, or gives up the security...

JOHN BEAL

The security is the pass.

MIRALDA

Yes. If he gives up that or pays...

JOHN BEAL

You know he's practically king of the whole country. It seems rather cheek
almost my sending for him like this.

MIRALDA

He must come.

JOHN BEAL

But what are you going to do?

MIRALDA

If he gives up the pass...

JOHN BEAL

Why, if he gives up the pass you'd be you'd be a kind of queen of it all.

MIRALDA

Well, if he does that, all right...

JOHN BEAL

But what if he doesn't?

MIRALDA

Why, if he doesn't pay...

HUSSEIN [off]

I am here.

JOHN BEAL

Be seen.

[Enter HUSSEIN.]

HUSSEIN

Greeting once more.

JOHN BEAL

Again greeting.... The great lady, Miss Clement, is here.

[HUSSEIN and MIRALDA look at each other.]

You will pay to Miss Clement and not to your god of bronze. On the word of
an Englishman, your god of bronze shall not have one gold piece that
belongs to the great lady!

HUSSEIN [looking contemptuous]

On the word of the Lord of the Pass, I only pay to Hinnard.

[He stands smiling while MIRALDA regards him. Exit.]

ARCHIE BEAL

Well?

JOHN BEAL

He won't pay.

ARCHIE BEAL

What are we to do now?

JOHN BEAL [to MIRALDA]

I'm afraid he's rather an ugly customer to introduce you to like that. I'm
sorry he came now.

MIRALDA

O, I like him, I think he looks splendid.

ARCHIE BEAL

Well, what are we to do?

JOHN BEAL

Yes.

ARCHIE BEAL

What do you say, Miss Clement?

JOHN BEAL

Yes, what do you feel we ought to do?

MIRALDA

Well, perhaps I ought to leave all that to you.

ARCHIE BEAL

O, no.

JOHN BEAL

No, it's your money. What do you think we really ought to do?

MIRALDA

Well, of course, I think you ought to kill Hussein.

[JOHN BEAL and ARCHIE BEAL look at each other a little startled.]

JOHN BEAL

But wouldn't that—wouldn't that be—murder?

MIRALDA

O, yes, according to the English law.

JOHN BEAL

I see; you mean—you mean we're not—but we are English.

MIRALDA